Phoenix
by Americanpyscho
Summary: They all have their burdens. But the lovable hothead has more then just a temper, he has uncontrollable fire in his veins. When Raph's anger pushes his brothers into a dangerous situation, will he be able to save them?
1. Chapter 1-Gone

Rain pelts against my body with harsh rhythm, keeping time with the beat of my heart. The icy water streams down my face and blurs with my already limited sight. My tears team up with darkness to shroud my vision, I can only see a couple feet in front of me. The droplets smack into the ground with heavy pattering, forming rivers in the street. I keep moving, running through the puddles.

Where are my brothers?

A rough cry rips from my throat and I can definitely feel the tears now. They are hot against my freezing skin. My legs are numb but I continue to race forward into the glittering shadows. I have to keep going, I have to find them. My breath hitches and I am on the verge of a panic attack. I stop to slow my breathing and put my hands over my head. I can't panic; I need to keep a cool head. That's what Leo would do.

Leo. I need to find him.

Shaking off my anxiety, I step forward to take off into another run until my eye catches a glint of orange fabric on the pavement. I bend over to get a better look. My stomach plummets and turns over as my body feels the injection of fear. The piece of cloth is soaked, not just with rain, but with blood. I reach out to pick it up when I see dark red cover my own fingers. I look at both my hands and the crimson gleams against the dark. I don't remember being injured, yet my body is so frozen and numb so it doesn't surprise me that I can't feel it.

Shaking off my own personal health, I snatch the orange mask off the ground. I stare as it rests defeated in the palm of my hand.

Mikey.

The panic I tried so hard to fight down explodes through me again. What does this mean? Where is he? Why? Why is this happening? Anger courses my veins but I have no way to release it. I need to calm down, I need to hold it together...I need to find him. I have to protect my baby brother.

I wrap the mask around my wrist, the bloody orange glows through the rain. My gut has a sudden sunken feeling and a harsh truth pounds in my heart.

I know I will never see my littlest brother again.

I use the fire in me to increase my adrenaline. I grip both of my Sai firmly to bring me some type of comfort. The prongs stick through the cracks of my fingers as my breathing begins to pick up speed from the bitter emotions. I am soon at full sprint, rain hitting my face like sharp stinging bullets. The irate frustration flows through me and I use it to propel my feet forward.

Where are they!?

They can't be gone. They can't be.

My legs protest with exhaustion, I must have been running for hours but I have to keep going. I need to find them! Still, I come to a stop to reorient myself. I put my Sai back in my belt as I reach out to my side. My palm flattens against a sturdy brick wall of a building and I rest against it to cool my fear and my aching body. I need to stay calm. I freeze when I notice a color dancing under a pouncing puddle. I reach down slowly, my hand shaking from both the cold rain and my harsh emotion. I curl my fingers around the mask and gradually bring it up to my face. I open my hand hesitantly and the cloth glaring at me is a blinding purple.

Donnie.

No. I need to find him. Please don't mean what I think it means. I shakily wrap Donnie's mask around the wrist opposite of the orange and look at the two colors. My little brothers…I have failed them.

A mixture of a shout and sob release from me as I slam my fist against the wall. No! My wrist vibrate with instant throbbing but I ignore it. It doesn't matter. What matters right now are my brothers. Where are they?

I hear a soft voice crack through the thundering of raindrops and my head snaps up towards it.

"R-Raph?"

Leo! I move towards the direction of the voice, searching the darkened ground for his body. The blue strip around his head gives him away and I kneel down, relief spreads throughout my mind. I carefully lift his head and lay it in my lap, holding his face close to mine. My eyes widen as I examine him and the relief I felt is gone almost as quickly as it came. One of Leo's eyes is gruesomely cut and bleeding profusely. It is shut closed while the other deep blue eye is staring at me half delirious. Bruises scatter all over, making him black and purple. The back of his head is pooling with dark red blood that mixes with the puddles. Even the small little cuts make me cringe.

If this is just his face, I am glad I can't see the rest of him.

"Leo, I'm here! It's okay, you'll be okay." I say to him but I don't believe that, he is losing too much blood. He is dying and I know it. Leo tries to give me a sad smile because he knows it too. My mind is racing, what do I do? I need help. Leo what do I do?

"What happened? Where is Donnie and Mikey?" I ask quickly trying to get Leo to talk to me.

"G-Go-ne." Leo's voice is a whisper and it seems painful for him to try to speak.

My heart sinks into my stomach and I am frozen in place. My memories slam into my brain with sudden force and I see a smiling Mikey, always around to cheer me up even in my darkest moods. He brought me so much joy, so much love. The little things he did just to show affection, even when I didn't want it. I can't believe that he is gone. I will never see those mischievous blue eyes work with that innocent face. Never hear the joyous laughter and witty comments igniting the lair with happiness. He made something good out of the bad. He showed me the light when I thought there was none.I often treated him wrongly, but he loved me anyways. And no matter how much he got on my nerves, I loved him back. And in one tiny second, all of him is gone

Then Donnie flashes before my eyes, always so smart and calm. If he were here instead he'd know what to do, but he's not. He is gone. I will never again be able to rush into the lab at two in the morning for a late night talk. He was always there for us when we needed to vent to someone, not like I really did, I just sat in the room with him but it still felt nice. I will never again get to work on my motorcycle with him, sharing the love of the engine purring. I will never again hear his constant nagging whenever I got hurt just because he was worried. I will never again have the chance to smile and roll my eyes as he went off on tangents about things I could barely begin to understand. He has saved my life so many times and in so many ways; but I am the one who was too late to save his. He needed me but I wasn't there for him. I am a failure.

I failed them both.

"What? No…that can't be! They have to be alive! They have to!" My voice is shaky and tears start to fall, but I know they are dead. I can feel it in my heart. My brothers are gone.

"Leo what happened?" A new fierce fury screams out from my soul, "Who did this. I swear whoever did this is going to pay."

Leo's one good eye is gleaming and glazing. I know what is happening.

No. Not you too. Not all of you. I can't live without my brothers. I need them. I need you! Please don't die on me. I can't lose you!

"Leo! Stay with me! Come on bro, I can't do this without ya. I can't live on without ya." Tears are staining my face and they drip on Leo.

"Leo please! Who else is going to nag me all the time huh? Who else is going to push me to be a better ninja? A better brother?" I whisper.

"Who else is going to love me?" My voice cracks from trying to hold in my cries.

Leo opened his mouth to speak, obviously taking an amount of effort to even attempt it. His voice is broken and small,

"No pain."

"Wh-What?"

"It d-does…doesn't hurt." Leo's lips form into a mournful smile. I don't even know how to respond, I don't want this to be real. He seems to be at peace and it kills me. He is going to die. His life is draining out of his eyes and he is at peace with it. How could he? How could he be at peace knowing his two brothers are already dead? How could he be at peace when he is leaving one behind?

Leo how could you?

"Leo please, don't die. Don't leave me."

My eyes never leave his in fear that if I look away for just a second, he will be gone. I feel his body shift slightly and he winces in pain, but something is slowly moving. I realize his arm is reaching towards his face. I sit in shock and watch as he pulls on the back of his head. The blue mask comes loose and falls away.

No! Don't do this!

I can't take the sight of my beaten brother anymore and close my eyes, it pushes the tears down my face. I feel a hand brush my skin and I look at Leo who is still smiling at me, tears in his own eye shine but they refuse to fall. I grab his hand and close it tightly in my own.

"B-Be strong…little brother." He whispers with his last pained breath.

His body sags against mine and his good eye glazes over completely, staring up into the dark rainy sky. The tear that refused to fall is finally rolling down his lifeless cheek. His fingers unclench and I feel something soft brush against my hand. I grab onto it and squeeze it shut. I stare into that blue, empty eye, too shocked to move.

All the life is gone. All who he was, all who he was going to be; the leader, the laughter, the love, all of it is gone. He was Fearless, even in death. He is my leader, my friend, sometimes even my enemy, but he is most importantly my brother.

No, he was my brother.

I finally pry my fist open. His blue, blood beaten mask is bunched up in my hand, shimmering against the rain. My heart breaks completely.

Gone. All of them are gone.

I feel harsh pain rip down my body and I scream out, the sound rings through the downpour. I am sobbing uncontrollably now as I hug my brother securely in my arms and wail out my anger, my frustration, my hurt, and my sorrow. But no matter how hard I howl or lament, I can't get rid of the fear.

Gone. I am alone now. My brothers are gone, it's just me.

Just me.

What is a life without my brothers? Who am I without my brothers? It hurts. It hurts like nothing has ever hurt before. It feels as if someone has taken half of my soul and crushed it between their long lean fingers. Who I am is because of my brothers, how do I go on without that? How do I go on without them?

I feel everything now; every drop of rain that smacks against my skin, the soreness in my feet and legs, the freezing cold of the icy air, the anger vibrating through my bones, the fear and grief splitting my mind, and my heart tearing to pieces.

I wrap Leo's mask around my arm with the others and look at all my brothers, each color representing them.

Blue the Leader, Purple the Genius, and Orange the Heart.

It becomes unbearable. I get up and let Leo's body fall to the ground, splashing in the puddle. I have to get out of here. This can't be real. It can't be happening. I stumble and stagger through the storm as burning tears stream out of me. I see a lamp light and run towards it, teetering as I move.

My legs finally refuse to work anymore and I fall to my knees. I angrily grab both my Sai and hold them out from my body. Rage begins to pour through me, whoever did this will pay. Whoever did this will suffer. I let out a violent roar and look up at the sky, rain drums on my face.

My screams run out of air but my rage increases.

"Who did this" I whisper.

Hard truth slaps my brain and knocks me out of breath. I fall backwards as the knowledge slams me backwards without mercy. A loud ringing explodes in my ears as the darkness around me fills with a harsh voice.

YOU DID THIS.

What?

YOU DID THIS.

No I didn't…I couldn't have. I-I love my brothers. I would never hurt them…I couldn't have.

YOU KILLED THEM.

NO! I-I…

Then I remembered the blood on my hands.

My hands!

I look down at my bleeding arms, then I trace along my entire body. I am thoroughly covered in blood, how did I not notice before? I hastily check my body but I can't find any injuries. I look around my arms, legs, and chest, but nothing. I am fine. A dreaded truth ices over my soul. I freeze and gawk at all the dark red that soaks my body and glares through the stormy night. The stabbing knowledge pierces my heart.

This blood is not mine.

This blood is my brothers, I did this.

I killed them.

**I think I just broke myself! what did I just do? OMG I am crying! OKay so I know that was emotional and suddenly sprung on you, BUT THERE IS MORE TO THE STORY. NOTHING IS OVER, It has only begun c: Don't worry, it's not what you think...but still heart wrenching right? Every time I edited I cried.  
**

**AGAIN NOT OVER YET **

**Review please and thank you c: until next chapter ;) **


	2. Chapter 2-Good Morning To You Too

**Hello everyone c: I hope you all liked last chapter! However, almost all of you guessed what it was anyways! It took me a while because I didn't really know how I wanted this story to go...but I think I am just going to take it chapter by chapter! **

**Thanks Crow1477 for all that you do! c: **

**I hope you all enjoy!**

Red:

Spirit, Strength, Power, Passion, Love

It makes me feel powerful. It increases my confidence and creates a shield around my insecurities. It reminds me of my abilities as a ninja and what I can do. It is a good color, or at least I thought so at one point. Now I hate it. Now it reminds me of blood.

Funny that after all these years of beating countless of Foot Ninjas, Purple Dragons, or any street punks that mistakenly piss me off, I have never once associated Red with blood until now. Now I remember my dead brothers, I remember their blood soaking my hands. It has become impossible to see the color as anything else.

I hate Red, it haunts me.

It is just a dream. I have to keep saying it over and over or I won't believe it. I stare down at the bright crimson mask in my hands and it triggers back to the dour dream.

I used to love my mask, it was only a strip of cloth around my eyes but it understood me. It became me, Red means Raphael. It would hug tightly around my head and I would feel different, I was comfortable. Not anymore. Now I despise the damn color.

And the more I hate Red, the more I hate myself.

I have been having this dream for weeks, the exact same one. No it's not really a dream, it's a nightmare. It always ends the same way with me screaming in the downpour and then I wake up trembling every morning. I haven't had a decent amount of sleep since. I still picture everything so vividly; the rain exploding through the darkened street, the bloodstained masks that bound around my wrists to remind me of my failure as a brother, Leo fading before my eyes as I sit helplessness to stop his death; then the worst of it all, I can see their blood dripping off my hands. The hissing of the rain is nothing compared to the booming of the blood slapping the pavement. Then I wake up and I can feel a part of me missing. To be honest, it's starting to make me angry.

Shocker right? Me angry? Nooooo!

But here's the reason why it's making me mad, I would never hurt my brothers; at least not on purpose. Then out of nowhere I kill them? I mean come on, killing? It is ridiculous, it doesn't make any sense! I don't know why these nightmares are stalking me, all I know is that they suck; they break my heart every time.

Maybe it's because deep down I am afraid of hurting my brothers. I know I have a temper that often loses control, I could attack them in a blind fury. I know I make dumb decisions that lead to mistakes, and the unfortunate fact about me and my brothers is that when one makes a mistake, we all pay for it. My actions affect them, they could easily result in suffering because of me. I know all this, but I can't seem to stop it.

I can't control this. I have fire in my veins.

Sensei tried to help me in the past, and for a while it worked. I became comfortable with my anger because it was a part of who I was and I accepted it. It was hard to soothe my fickle emotions but we all have our burdens. Yet ever since these nightmares have sunk their poison teeth in my mind, I am deteriorating back into that self-hatred. I don't want this anger, but I can feel the fire boiling under my skin ready to pounce and destroy. I am back to square with one where I have no leash on my temper and it scares me.

Yes, it _scares_ me. I hate hearing those words too.

It shakes me to the core and I detest it. I don't want to feel this way! I am the power, the warrior and I shouldn't be terrified of myself.

I hate being afraid, I am not allowed to be afraid. The fact I can't control my anger, my fear, it makes me livid!

Ironic huh? I am mad about being mad. You can add that to the daily struggles of Raphael.

I sigh and wrap my hateful mask around my eyes. I don't want to wear it; I don't want to hate myself.

I don't want to be consumed by the flames.

I feel the tails of the soft cloth brush and tickle against my shell. What an awful start to the day.

I get up and shove out of my gloomy room, watching my feet move on autopilot to the kitchen. I am not going because I want breakfast; in fact I am not hungry at all, my appetite is absent.

I go because I know that's where my brothers will be.

My brothers! My heart sparks with relief knowing I am going to see them; knowing that they aren't lying dead in the middle of a rain sodden street. I want to be sure that it was just a nightmare, it was just my mind playing a cruel trick.

When I walk in, it looks like a typical morning at the lair.

I am the last one up, unless you count Donnie who has his cheek magnetized to the table and still half asleep. He is waiting for his revolting black coffee to finish brewing. Across from the barely conscious turtle is Mikey scarfing down his cereal like it's the last meal he will ever eat. His focus is entirely on the spoonful of Lucky charms zooming towards his mouth. Leo is not at the table but instead leans over the counter with his elbows propping him up with a bagel in his hand, chewing happily. I can tell he's been up for a while, probably getting some extra practice.

Splinter Junior.

Normally it would annoy me that he has already trained and sweated even though it's barely eight in the morning; but not today! Today I am happy to see them alive and breathing. I feel a faint smile persuade my lips.

It was only a nightmare. My mind liberates from the bitter pain.

Everything is how it should be, normal.

"Geez Mikey, ya gotta come up for air some time!" I tease and they all look at me as they finally notice my presence. Well, Donnie just sort of stares off into space as his head mushes together with the table, but I see him twitch. Mikey halts his spoon half way to his mouth and looks at me with a cheerful gleam in his eyes; he is too busy chewing to say anything. Leo too looks pleased to see me up and awake. They are probably thrilled that they didn't have to come get me.

They don't like waking me up. Apparently I am "cranky" and "mean" when someone tries.

"Welcome back to the land of the living. I was afraid you died in your sleep!" Leo teases with a tiny smirk.

"What?"

Died? My brain flashes back and Leo is replaced with the dying brother from my nightmare, the one being held in my arms. His injured eye is locked closed while blood pours out if it. His bruised lips curve into that sorrowful smile, his apology for leaving me. His voice is small and defeated, but still ringing with that Leo like dignity. My eyes widen and I want to throw up. Here he is, standing in the kitchen all black and bruised with blood streaming down like sweat.

"..I was referring to the late wake up." His strong voice slaps me back into reality and I gape at him. I shake my head and close my eyes. When I dare to look again he is normal, no blood or bruises cover his body and both blue eyes are staring, they shadow with an odd emotion. I know that he took immediate notice to my unusual reaction.

"I know that." I snap feeling awkward, "I just…didn't like it."

Leo shrugs and turns his head back to his bagel. I close my eyes and try to settle down my panic and fear. Why did that comment bother me so much? Why did it trigger my scathing nightmare? Death is haunting me. I push away the icy stings of shock and look at the ground. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Mikey move forwards over the table.

"OOOH Doooonnnniieee…come on sweety it's time to wake up!" Mikey chirps in a breezy voice and pokes his spoon at the half sleeping turtle. Donnie raises his head slightly while still slanting over the table and attempts a lethargic glare. He grabs the prodding spoon swiftly and holds on to it.

"Don't call me sweety." He sighs.

"What about hunny? Baby? Love bug?"

Leo chuckles and adds in, "Baby cakes." He takes an innocent bite out of his bagel just as Donnie's eyes pin him down.

"Don't encourage him!" Donnie exclaims and finally gets up when he notices the coffee is done. He skyrockets towards the black steaming pot and as he passes by me, he finally acknowledges my existence for the first time.

Poor guy is just not a morning person.

"Not eating?" He asks smoothly while he pours the coffee into a cup. Of course he would notice, they always notice when I don't want them to. Besides, ever since Donnie was basically appointed the family doctor (by default) he keeps a silent vigil on our health. Not that he makes it extremely obvious; Donnie's cool collective demeanor makes it hard to tell what he's actually feeling anyways. I usually can't tell half the time unless I push his buttons enough.

"I think Mikey's eaten enough for the both of us." I tease and try to avoid the question.

Mikey grabs the box of Lucky charms and holds it up in front of his face.

(Did I mention it's a red box?)

"Raph, they be after me lokey charms'!" He gives his best Irish accent, its god awful.

"You may be green and small, but you make a lousy leprechaun." I say hiding a small smile. He gives me a lopsided grin and goes back to devouring his food. I miss that grin, I feel like I haven't seen it in ages! I walk towards the counter opposite Leo and lean back against it. I cross my arms and observe them all, soaking in their presence.

"You crushed my dreams Raphie! I hope you're happy with yourself!" Mikey juts his chin out at me and makes a show of shoving a spoonful of cereal in his mouth. I sigh and roll my eyes.

I love mornings like this. I have never realized how much I appreciated them until my relenting nightmares came and took my brothers away.

"You really should eat Raph." Leo says before he takes a monster bite of his bagel. Now here is the real worrier. Donnie is a nagger, Leo is a worrier.

"I'm not hungry." I shrug.

"How can you not be hungry?" Mikey asks bewildered.

"Not all of us are hungry every wakin' second of our lives like you." I remark with a huff.

"Well true, but sleeping is exhausting! It drains all the food out of me!" He exaggerates. Donnie slides a glance towards Mikey and opens his mouth to comment. Most likely about the "sleeping is exhausting" but he decides it's too early for this and takes a huge sip of coffee.

I agree Donnie, I agree.

A grin threatens my lips as I watch Don pour his coffee down his throat, waiting for the caffeine to give him an extra boost. Why is it the little things I miss?

My eyes shift from Donnie to Leo, then from Leo to Mikey. But Mikey is already staring at me. I shift uncomfortably under his studying gaze. His happy and teasing eyes transform into something thoughtful, something that resembles recognition. He turns his head sideways like a puppy with a curious scrutiny, he blinks once.

"Did you not sleep well?"

I feel fear ice my skin. I am surprised he can tell. Then again I shouldn't be, it is exceedingly annoying but Mikey has a gift with reading people and emotions. He also has a curse with nightmares.

Not that he would ever admit it anymore. We have gotten to a certain age where he gets embarrassed by them. Yet we all know it, we just respect him enough not to mention it. So I guess it makes sense he is picking up my lack of sleep, he can probably sniff it off me.

I flinch and uncross my arms as I struggle against the panic welling up inside. I don't want them to know, I don't want to tell them that I am having dreams about killing them. How could I? How awkward is that? 'Sorry bros, just thinking about murdering ya in a fiery rage every night. No biggie.' I mean it already eats at me; I wouldn't want to freak them out too. I don't see the point in them knowing anyways. What could they do about it?

But it's not only that, it's pride.

The big strong ninja having nightmares? No. That will not stand. I dislike it but I have too much pride to admit it to them. I can't do it, they can't know.

My panic flows out and converts into anger. I twist their words in my head but I don't do it on purpose, its habit.

Instead of concern, I hear them ordering me about, Raph eat, Raph Sleep. I think I am old enough to realize I need to feed myself, I think I know I should get a good night's rest! Do they not think I am responsible? That I can take care of my own needs? I am not a child!

The more words I coil around in my brain, the more irritated I become. I can hear the hint of annoyance lace my voice.

"I slept like a baby, now can you all jus' lay off my shell? I can take care of myself!"

I can see the surprise flash in their eyes but I don't care. I turn on my heel and march out of the kitchen before I get angrier. I don't want to leave; I just want to be with them. But my patience is easy to snap, too easy. I am overreacting, I am blowing this out of proportion but I can't help it.

I can't help but twist their words to cover my panic.

They can't know about my nightmare. Not sleeping well will lead to, 'why not?' And why not will lead to an answer. I guess I could lie, but lying just snowballs into disaster so it's better if I just keep quiet.

It's embarrassing. I understand now why Mikey never shares his nightmares.

Pride.

Why am I so damn prideful?

I hear Donnie's voice as I stalk away.

"Well, that was strange."

"Eh, he's just grumpy." Leo concludes.

My stomach knots and I feel guilty. Why does this happen to me? Why can't I control myself? Why can't they see? Why can they never see?

I am not grumpy! I am not angry.

I am afraid…

**Poor guy! I hope you enjoyed it, I got a lot more to come too!**

**REVIEW PLEASE AND THANK YOU!**


	3. Chapter 3-Visions

**This chapter WAS REALLY REALLY ROUGH for me. I struggled with it for so long and it's still kind of ehhhh. I really suck at Splinter so that was partly why! It starts out shaky but as usual it gets better, I seem to get my flow late in this chapter.**

**I want to thank all of you who review/favorite/follow! You all are awesome! **

** I want to give a special thanks to EmilyGrace18 and Crow4711 for helping me out with this chapter and encouraging me when It was driving me crazy c: You two kept me sane. **

**Also I'm finally on break so I am going to try to update as much as I can! **

"The future is unpredictable. There are no absolutes and visions can only show one possible outcome."

Ever heard of Irony? Well I can't seem to ever get away from it. I am kneeling with my brothers and somehow Splinter got onto the topic about visions. Ironic right? Maybe Sensei can just see right through me. I don't doubt that he knows something is wrong but I am leaning towards this being coincidence. Either way, it's not funny.

Hear that irony? NOT. FUNNY.

"Visions are rare and can have either literal or emotional meanings. It is important to interpret one correctly..."

"Dude, I've totally been having the same dream about getting telekinetic powers." Mikey whispers to Donnie. Well, the best Michelangelo can do to keep his voice down. He has never really grasped the concept of whispering. Donnie keeps his eyes on Sensei and speaks from the corner of his mouth.

"Well that's a terrifying thought."

"Donnie…think of the possibilities! I would never have to get up to find the remote again! Or turn off the light!" He gasps, "I could get food from the couch!" Mikey's voice is full of enthusiasm and I catch Leo glaring at him for talking too loud. For once, I agree with Fearless.

"Hey knucklehead, can it! Master Splinters tryna teach us somethin' here." I murmur as Splinter continues to ramble on. He doesn't stop his lesson but I know he is well aware of our whispering. Well in Mikey's case, attempting to whisper. Donnie slightly tilts his head towards me but keeps both eyes forward. I can tell he wants to say something but I guess he decides against it, smart turtle. Unlike him Mikey chooses to comment.

"Since when have you ever listened?"

I can tell he is teasing but I feel the first prick of irritation, I always listen. I don't always heed advice or follow orders but I listen to them. I know I am not the easiest one on the team to handle…in fact I am probably the hardest. Stubborn, hard headed, impatient, but I listen when it matters. I follow orders when it counts. Doesn't that mean anything?

"Just shut your trap already." I mutter harshly.

"Boys! Just because my eyes are closed, does not mean my ears are." He sighs.

"Master splinter" I speak out, "How can you tell the difference between dreams and visions?" My brothers look at me with startled expressions. Can a guy not ask a question? Sheesh! I glare at all of them gawking at me but when I look at Mikey he doesn't seem alarmed. In fact, he is staring at me like how he was at breakfast. He quirks a brow and I know he is reading into my foul mood. I ignore the questioning in his eyes and focus my attention on Splinter.

"They are clearer than dreams and filled with many symbolic connections. They do not come from the subconscious but rather from... " Splinter continues to speak but my brother's mutterings knock me out of concentration.

"Sorry Mikey, no real powers for you." Donnie teases.

"Donnie, shut it!" I growl impatiently. I want to listen to Splinter.

"Chill bro." Mikey turns to me sensing my rapidly growing frustration.

"Don't tell me to 'chill!' I am chill!"

"Inner Peace Raphael, Inner peace" Mikey smiles and I squint my eyes at him but I notice the concern behind that charming smirk. He definitely knows something is up. Great.

"The only way I'll find inner peace is if I can duct tape your mouth shut." I grunt.

"One more word and you all will be doing back-flips for the rest of training." Splinter barks. We all straighten up with the sharp tone in his voice and sit in silence. I notice Leo looking at me out of the corner of my eye, he is annoyed. I can't tell if it's at me or the other two boneheads next to me. I am guessing it's me; he is firing a little warning to shut up. My jaw clenches and I have sudden desire to snap at him but I bite down on my tongue. I pull my head away to look at Master Splinter who is regarding each of us with an inquiring gaze. He sighs and stands up; probably deciding we are too fidgety for meditation anyways. Meaning we will probably end today with some sparring.

Good! I always take any chance to knock my brothers around a bit.

Or at least I used to; instead I feel a twitch of fear. My horrid nightmare has me all worked up. My palms are clammy and I can already feel chills vibrate from my heart. What if I hurt them? What if I lose control?

Maybe I can get out of sparring, I could fake not feeling well. No, then I'd look weak. I can just hear the laughing eyes of my brothers saying "Can't handle the sniffles?" Okay they probably wouldn't say that, I would. Still I can't punch down the feelings of looking weak. My damn pride is sneaking up on me again; it seems to be everywhere I turn.

I need to stop being so twitchy and just ignore my nightmare. I am being stupid! I shouldn't be afraid, there is nothing to fear!

I shake off the nauseous feeling in my stomach and vaguely realize that Master Splinter is speaking to us. Okay so I don't ALWAYS listen but I mean we all get lost in thought from time to time.

"…Leonardo and Raphael." My attention cracks back into focus. What? I turn to Leo and he is pushing to his feet. He takes out his Katanas and I hear the metal hiss against the leather strapped to his shell. Donnie and Mikey also get up and move towards a different section of the room. Leo looks down at me with a blank expression and I gaze back.

"Are you getting up or am I going to have to fight you from your knees?" Leo eventually says. I can see a small smile taunt his lips but he manages to keep his face neutral. I roll my eyes and stumble into a standing position. We stand apart and I reach to take my Sai from my belt. I notice my hand trembling and I grunt with frustration. I can't let fear control me. I shakily fold my fingers around the handles and pull my weapons away from my body.

I have always loved my Sai. Sensei has taught us how to master all kinds of weapons, even objects that aren't meant for battle; anything can be a weapon. But nothing can replace my Sai. They suit me well; they can be lethal or nonlethal, they are useful for short quick strikes and they can capture an opponent at any angle, but what is interesting to me is that they are more of defensive weapons. I didn't understand at first why Sensei gave them to me considering I ache for battle. It would make more sense to give me an offensive weapon. Yet as I get older I realize that I am the defense, I take great lengths to protect my brothers. I am the protector, the shield.

I am the protector, right?

Well I don't feel like it anymore. What kind of a protector is afraid to hurt the ones he must defend? My Sai suddenly feel awkward and heavy in my hands. They have never before felt uncomfortable in my hold. I don't feel worthy to carry them, I don't feel worthy of my position on this team.

I swallow down my sudden loss of value and glance at my brother in blue shifting into a fighting stance. I automatically stand in mine which signals to Leo that I am ready to spar but I'm not, not really.

He charges me and swings his Katanas; I block them with ease and push away the blades. He focuses on attacking but I aim to counter without striking back. I dodge and deflect, too afraid to hit him. We continue to parry, I defend while he attacks. Leo kicks at me but I catch his foot and we freeze. In the split second break between the action I see Leo giving me an odd expression, he notices me not fighting back. My style is usually aggressive, mixing hard punches and jabs with blocks and parries, and I always attack first. We know each other's fighting style inside and out, we have to to work together as a team. He definitely knows something is wrong.

With one foot in my hold, Leo pushes off with the other and swings a kick that strikes me across the face. He drops to the floor and quickly rolls into a crouch with both blades held parallel. I shake off the stinging on my cheek and reorient myself into a defensive stance. Leo doesn't move and remains in a crouch, I too stay still. Everything slows down and our breathing blends with the faint sounds of Mike and Donnie sparring behind us.

I realize that he wants me to make the first move; he's trying to force my hand.

"What are you doing?" Leo eventually asks. "Come on, attack me."

I can't do this. The fear is overwhelming and ices my bones. My hands are still trembling and I fight to keep them still. I have to attack him. If I don't then he will know something is wrong. I need to push through my fear; I can't let it control me.

I shift my feet and prepare to charge, I have to do this.

I run towards him and strike forward which he easily dodges and counters with a swing of his blade. I block the blade and shove it away which leaves him momentarily vulnerable. I aim for his open side but he sees it coming and drops to the ground, he swipes at my feet and I jump over him. As soon as I land I deflect an oncoming sword to my right and punch with my other hand. I earn a hit to his chin and my brain spikes with fear but my body keeps going. He is somewhat shocked so I use it to my advantage. I trip him with my foot and I go for the final blow to make me victor. I charge forward but I suddenly stop when I see blood.

Leo is covered with the same red that coats the blade of my Sai. I drop them with a loud screech and fumble backwards. His face drips blood like tears and the air leaves my lungs. No! I barely even hit him! How? How did this happen?

Leo pushes to a sitting position and regards me with a confused expression. His face is scarred with cuts and bruises. My breathing hitches, it's just like my dream.

"Raph?" I hear a voice but it's not Leo's, it's Donnie. I look to my right and his hand rests on my shoulder; concern washes over his normally neutral face. I blink at him and quickly glance back down at Leo expecting to see the blood pooling around him.

But he's fine now.

No blood, no wounds; he's just sitting there and looking at me like I am crazy. Maybe I am crazy. He doesn't say anything but he doesn't have to, I can see it all engraved on his face. He is confused and somewhat shocked but he is trying to figure me out. I have become a puzzle to him that he needs to solved.

"You okay bro? I mean I scream when I see Leo too but…" Mikey tries to add in some comic relief but I can still sense the hint of worry in his voice.

"I uh…I'm…I'm fine." I mumble and try to stop my shivering from shock.

"Are you sure Raph, you're shake—" Donnie attempts to say.

"I said I'm fine!" I snap harshly and Don holds up his hands in surrender. I didn't mean to snap at him, but my emotions jumble together and I struggle for control over them. I attempt to tackle the fear threatening to take over. They all look at me with troubled eyes.

Great job Raph, you really nailed that one! Now they all know something is wrong, awesome.

Master Splinter takes a step forward and we all face him, Leo quickly gets to his feet. I want to look away from Splinters gaze but I don't dare.

"Raphael, what happened?" He asks sharply.

"I…um…I saw a bug." They all give me skeptical looks.

"A bug?" He repeats.

"Yeah, but I think my mind was just playin' tricks on me is all, I really am okay." Well I'm not lying. My brain IS toying with me. Master Splinter regards me for a long time and we wait in silence. I hope he isn't going to make me talk to him, I hope he can't see the fear twisting my heart. I know he's thinking about it, but I want him to just let me go.

"You must learn to control this Phobia of yours, one cannot be rid of fear but one can conquer it. You must work on this Raphael." Splinter concludes. I know he's talking about my fear for disgusting critters, but it fits well with what actually is bothering me. Again, I'm not sure if it's because he actually knows or it's just coincidence.

Irony. Gosh damn can it not leave me alone for two second?

I nod my head, "Yes Master Splinter." He continues to observe me and I feel uncomfortable under his scrutiny.

"I believe that will be all the training for today." He declares.

Oh thank heavens! I don't think I could face sparring again, at least not with Leo.

"Sensei?" Leo takes a step forward. Of course he wants to keep training but I don't think I could handle it right now. I can't do it, I can't face my brothers.

"We shall end early." Is all Sensei says in response and walks out of the room. We all look at each other and Leo shrugs his shoulder. I keep my eyes on him and my heart squeezes with fear. Why is this happening? I've been having my nightmares for a while now and it's never done this before. Leo glances at me and I notice the determination set in his face before I look away. He is going to confront me.

I am not in the mood to be confronted. Leo is the first to move and walks out of the room. I bend to pick up my fallen Sai but I am half afraid to still see the blood of my brother coating them. I hesitate to take them, I could kill with these. I could hurt my brothers with these. I take a deep breath, I am being ridiculous. I quickly grab my weapons and shove them into my belt. When I stand back up I see Mikey slyly smirking at me.

"What are you grinning about?"

"I'm not." His smile is gone immediately and a frown replaces it. I stare at him for a couple of seconds with disbelief, it always amazes me how good Mikey is at faking facial expressions. I sigh and move away from him.

"You're so weird." I mumble but as I march out of the room I can feel his eyes drill into my shell.

**Luckily I have next chapter planned out so It hopefully won't be such a struggle! Bare with me people! **

**REVIEW PLEASE AND THANK YOU C: Until next chapter! **


	4. Chapter 4-Swinging

**It's been a while! I'm sorry! Writers block just hit me like a ton of bricks! But like all good writers, the story must go on! *cough cough* Fanfiction writers who decide it's a good idea to stop writing in the middle of an AMAZING story should listen to that advice *cough cough* **

**ANYWHO I was feeling pretty down about this chapter because it was just a huge struggle! The entire thing was pulled out of my brain in painful bits! It's still a little on the rougher end of life but I think it turned out okay. **

**Just keep in mind that Raph is a little pulled tight, exhausted and overly anxious. I would say this chapter is a little mood swingy with him. He is amused one moment and annoyed the next. **

**Thanks a million times to EmilyGrace18!**

**I hope you all enjoy c; **

"What are you doing?" I ask as I hesitantly approach my punching bag. I was hoping to let out some of my pent up frustration by rapping my fist against the leathery skin, instead it is being held hostage by the youngest Hamato. Mikey's arms and legs squeeze around the bag in a tight hug, strapping him in place around it. He is slightly moving back and forth but not getting much momentum.

"I'm just _hanging_ out" He responds with a smile giggle. His voice is breezy as if this is an everyday activity.

I stare at him like he's an idiot. He tilts his head to one side, poking out from the bag, and gives me his best charming grin. You know…this is actually pretty typical. Not the dangling around my punching bag but the randomness. Whatever else is said about my baby brother, I think the best way to prepare for any kind of situation with him is to expect the unexpected.

"Ya do realize I'll still punch the bag even if you're hanging on it." My hands place on my hips and I beat back the smile threatening to burst. He ignores my threat and just grins happily. He shoves his body forwards and backwards to swing himself, he barely moves an inch.

"I feel like Tarzan!" He exclaims and I roll my eyes.

"Well then stop swinging around my stuff and go find your Jane." I huff and cross my arms, trying to appear annoyed but surprisingly I'm not. Not really, it's actually rather amusing.

"Nah, Jane kicked me out of the lab, he's busy working on some great invention or whatever." Mikey says so seriously I just gaze at him as he continues to attempt to swing himself back and forth.

A surprising chuckle crawls up my throat and I shake my head at the goofball. Okay that was pretty good. Except I doubt Donnie would appreciate being compared to an animated woman, which makes it even better of course. He takes notice of my deep chuckle and a genuine smile grows with triumph. He lets go of my bag and places his feet to the floor. He doesn't move away though, instead he positions his body to lean in my way; I feel the hint of annoyance. I hold onto the little patience I have left, I really would just like to punch something and I don't want it to be Mikey.

Mike twitches as he stands up straighter, he holds his head up high and a sweet grin blinds me. Here it comes; he's going to try to get me to open up to him, speak my mind. We stare at each other in silence for a quick second.

"I'm bored. Wanna play a video game?" He asks.

Not really. I just want to scream and let out all of the emotions festering inside. I'd lose anyways. I always hate to admit it but the little punk kicks all our asses in any video game.

"No."

"Alright that's fine. Uhhh oh! How bout we go for a run?"

"No." I manage to keep my face straight, hiding any sign of interest. A run actually sounds good right now. Any physical activity would work as a stress release but I have to say no. I don't have an excuse for this, except that I know I shouldn't be around him. Not when I am a ticking time bomb.

"You could help me prank Leo?" He wiggles his head with excitement as mischievousness shines off him in waves. I gaze at his joyful face and eager eyes; he's only trying to cheer me up. He does this when I am in one of my fouler moods; he does whatever it takes to get me to smile. Ironically he annoys me until I give in. However it always ends up with laughter. Sometimes I don't even get to talk about what really bothers me and still he manages to bring up my spirits. I love that about Mikey, the little booger just never quits. It's both a negative and positive trait, mixing endearing with outright annoying. Ha, now that's Mikey summed up for you, endearing, annoying, and unpredictable.

Except, this time it's different. This is not something Mikey can just fix with laughter and fun. It's not something that can be changed in a single second. This is something that puts a black hole in my stomach and continues to suck out the life in me, choosing only to leave behind the fires of anger. Something is wrong; I can feel it in my bones and I know he can't fix this, I don't even know if I can fix this. I will try of course; I will do it for the sake of my brothers. The scary part is, I don't know if I will succeed. Fear shivers through me at the thought, what will happen to me if I don't resolve this? What will happen to them?

I take a deep breath and push away the fear starting to swell. I need to focus on my choice of words to Mikey and not come across as mad. I should try to be nice to him, he means well.

"Look, I know what you're doin' but I'm fine."

"Huh?" I see a small break in his smile and his face tightens. He looks as if he's caught in a trap.

"I'm fine." I reassure, keeping my voice as normal as I can. Mikey's eyes gleam with disbelief and his mouth twitches. He looks me up and down, trying to read my body language. I want to squirm under his gaze but I manage to keep myself still.

"You sure?" He asks quietly. No, I'm not sure. Something is really wrong. Never in my life have I doubted my ability to protect my brothers. Never in my life have I been afraid of my own strength. It's tearing me to pieces and I don't know how to stop it. I am not okay.

I release a huge sigh again and feel my lungs scream at me for lying.

"I'm peachy."

I give him a shaky smile. Now he really watches me, pushing to see past the false screen I place in front of him. I continue to remain still, not wanting to give myself away. Lying feels wrong but I know I must do this. I shouldn't feel guilty; it's for his own good. A little white lie is all.

I apparently pass the test and an apologetic smile brightens his face.

"Alright fine…. are you SURE you don't wanna go for a run or something though? Sneak out of the lair for a bit? Come on! You could always do with a little exercise!" He winks and nudges my shoulder.

I want to, I really do. I would love nothing more than to get out of the lair for a while and run the cities of New York, creating havoc with my younger brother whose name spells trouble! But I can't. I have to push him away. I have to push THEM away. I need to keep my nightmares from coming true. Maybe I'm over reacting, no I am overreacting! But I love my brothers too much and I would never hurt them. I will protect them from harm, even if that means I have to protect them from me.

Even if that means I have to push them away.

I want to go. I know what would happen; Mikey would probably start showing off, flaunting his moves in my face. So I'd show him who the real winner was by knocking him around a little bit. We might catch a group of Purple Dragons to mess with too. We would push them about and tease them, making sweet comments that infuriate them to no end. Or maybe we would find a nice tall roof and just dangle off of it, enjoying the sights and sounds of the city I love.

Either way we would come home late. Leo would roll his eyes and mutter to himself, annoyed that we snuck out just because we could and there isn't anything he can really do about it. Don't feel bad for old mother hen Leo, Mikey would soon charm the overly worried leader's shell off and we'd all end up in a good mood.

It sounds like the perfect stress reliever to be honest…but I can't do it. No matter how much I want to.

"I'm sure." I respond and watch him try to hide his crestfallen face with warm grin. It grows silent again but it doesn't last for long. I see Mikey jerk at the thought of stillness and his voice pipes up with new enthusiasm.

"Well, I'm off to go save Jane! Who knows what trouble he's getting into!" Mikey jokes and takes off briskly towards the lab; he even disregards the furniture and walks across the couch. A sad smile meets my face from watching my ridiculous brother march happily towards Donnie.

He'll probably stay with Don for the rest of the night. Donnie will insist Mikey is annoying him for a short time but then he'll accept that it would take a fork lift to remove the irritating little brother from the room. Don't let him fool you though; Donnie is totally see-through when it comes to Mikey. He loves every second spent in his company. Okay maybe not _every_ second but a good majority of the time. They have such a close bond, one that I often get jealous of. They have a unique relationship. It is extremely close, loving and they make the best comedy team. We all have great connections to one another, but each one is different. Mikey and Donnie have just always had that certain chemistry; they have a special understanding that I don't get.

Yes, I do get a little jealous. Then again, I guess it's the same way with me and Leo.

Now that's certainly an interesting and confusing bond! We fight often but I feel a distinctive closeness with Leo. Maybe it's because he's the oldest and I look up to him in a way. Actually, I think we are just rather similar in many aspects, like Donnie and Mikey, Leo and I just have an unspoken understanding.

Speaking of Fearless, I turn my head sharply with the sense of a new presence in the room and I see Leo regarding me from across the way. How long has he been there? A shadow of determination sets into his rigid features and my heart sinks into my stomach; he's going to talk to me. Unlike Mikey he will come straight out with it, he won't try to butter me up first and get me into a good mood. He will directly approach the problem and say what's on his mind.

I wonder if Splinter put him up to this or if it's just because of my rather jumpy mood today; probably a little mixture of both. The good thing about Mikey is that he doesn't usually push for information until it's necessary to do so. Not Leo, Leo pushes. I square my shoulders to him and prepare for the confrontation. He removes himself from the wall carefully and starts striding towards me.

I cross my arms and wait.

* * *

We don't say much at first, I can practically hear Leo thinking. I watch the wheels in his head turn as he transfers weight between legs. He is trying to figure out how to tactic this. He doesn't want a fight, and this could very well end up being one. Strategy, he's working on his strategy. Leo is good with plans; they are usually effective and amazingly thought up in a quick second. But confronting rather emotional brothers is one thing that a person can never really prepare for. I roll my eyes, sick of the increasingly uncomfortable silence.

"Are you gonna say something eventually or we just gonna have to wait until the world ends?"

"Are you okay?" Leo asks quickly, probably thinking it would be best just come out with it fast like ripping off a Band-Aid. I sigh and uncross my arms. My eyes zoom around the Lair; I'm not really sure what I am searching for, maybe a way out of this before things get rough.

"Did Splinter put ya up to this?"

Leo didn't say anything but his eyes narrow slightly. The answer is yes but he won't admit it. It would have been better if he did; I feel the spark of anger jump in my stomach. Why won't he just say that he did? I won't be mad that Splinter asked him to investigate; it would be weird if Sensei didn't notice my strange mood.

"Well you can go be a good little messenger boy and tell him I'm fine." My voice is dripping with sarcastic tones. Leo isn't intimidated by my little comment and ignores it.

"Don't lie to me; you've been acting weird all week." His attitude isn't really comforting or soothing but I can still sense the worry and unease pulsing through him.

All week? They have noticed before today? How? When? I thought I did a good job hiding it from them until now.

"I have not been acting weird! I said I'm fine! What? Do you not trust me?" I ask searching for something in his words to twist. It's a trap for Leo, whatever he is going to say will just induce my anger and I know it.

"I don't when they obviously go against your actions; you have been rather…snappy lately."

"Oh really? Are you sure I'm just not grumpy?" I growl bitterly. Leo's face scrunches with confusion for a second until he recalls his words this morning. An understanding seems to send a relief through him, he shouldn't be feeling relived yet. I don't know why it bother me so much, it's not like I have never been called grumpy before. I don't know why my strings are pulled so tight but I can feel each one snapping.

"I didn't—" He starts to explain but I finish it for him.

"Know that I heard you?" The hostile tone even surprises me, where is this coming from?

"That's not what I was going to say." Leo looks calm but a slight irritation rises in his eyes, mixing with growing panic.

"Well you don't have to Leo, you're pretty predictable." This touchy frustration exploding out of me has no explanation. But with every word anger seeps into my blood. I can't control it.

"I'm not here to pick a fight with you Raph." Leo grits through his teeth.

"Oh are we fighting now? I thought this was just you being a regular pain in my shell." That comment finally gets to him. His own eyes beam with anger and he steps towards me. His voice is no longer controlled or stern, it changes to impatience.

"This is what I'm talking about, what's the matter with you? I am just concerned about you and you're taking this like a joke." He exclaims, no longer caring about staying the calm and controlled leader but instead turning into the annoyed older brother.

"Oh, I am anything but taking this like a Joke!" I assure him as I glare into his eyes, "Just leave me alone." I turn to walk away but he grabs my arm. Don't do that. That's stupid.

"Not until you tell me why you are acting so weird." He growls at me but I can hear the spark of desperation too. I jerk my arm to force his hand off but I don't move away from him, I don't back down.

"It's none of your damn business." I shout roughly.

"For goodness sakes Raph we are a team! We are brothers! Your business is hitched to mine!"

"That's a load of shit and you know it."

"We are only trying to help you!"

"Did I ask for your help?"

"No but you obviously need it!"

"No I don't! Not from you!" I immediately regret my words. Of course I need his help, I will always need Leo. It's the damn strings, snapping one by one. I can tell he is somewhat hurt by the comment but he does well to hide it. Instead he just stares at me, switching between my eyes with a hopeless expression on his face.

Hopeless, that's a good word for me. Hopeless.

I should apologize, I didn't mean that. I never really do when my blood boils like this. But maybe this is for the best? A good way to push Leo away is to yell at him. I should just let it be, let the anger and frustration create the distance between us. Guilt in my heart sinks its claws in but I ignore it. Better guilt than grief.

"Fine." Leo finally says, organized rage quieting his voice. "I'm sorry I even tried."

We throw glares at each other for a couple more minutes until I look to my right. I see both Mikey and Donnie watching us near the lab doors, when did they get here? Were we really talking that loud? Concern and confusion etch both of their faces. They are used to us fighting, normally they just run off and ignore us the best they can, but this time they are gawking only at me. They have seen my quick anger before, it's nothing new to them, but the look in their eyes tell me a different story.

This isn't anything like before and we all know it. We can all feel the weird tensions and they know me well enough to sense something is seriously wrong. This isn't just my well known anger; this isn't just a typical fight or a bad day.

Something is really wrong.

I look back at Leo and lower my voice.

"You better not tell Splinter about this." I snap quietly but Leo remains silent and squints his eyes. I growl and turn around.

I walk away.

It might be a good thing to push my brothers from me but it hurts so much to even think about it. I feel awful for blowing up like that. I feel awful for saying things I don't mean, I can't control it. I can't control my words, my emotions,

My fire.

And I hate it.

I hate my nightmares. I hate my anger and the dark feelings of guilt. I hate my red mask and the connection to blood. I hate how my once loving Sai now feel heavy and awkward in my hands. I hate the way my brothers look at me as if I am a stranger. I hate the intense fear streaming out of me. I hate the stiffness of the air suffocating me.

Most importantly, I hate myself.

I didn't sleep at all that night.

**Well...I am honestly happy to get this chapter off my chest! I got so tired of being frustrated with it so I hope it turned out well...**

**THANK YOU ALL **

**REVIEW PLEASE C; **


	5. Chapter 5-First fire

**It's been forever for this story so here we go C:**

_**It's rough around the edges but hey, I didn't edit this one very much and I'll tell you why. I HAD TO REWRITE IT LIKE THREE TIMES. My computer died suddenly out of nowhere and I lost everything. That happened twice. Then the third time I thought I saved it but I guess not because only half of it saved and I was so done with it. So I edited like once or twice but not really. Too frustrated to deal with so, sorry…**_

**Okay don't listen to that above^ I did edit once more because it was going to bother me. I still probably missed stuff but I did change a little. Edited 5/15  
**

**Anyways, **

Here's an update on my morning so far:

I got up from my lowly hammock, even though I got zero sleep, and awkwardly ate my breakfast. My brothers spent that time throwing worried and confused glances at me. Leo, who has been ignoring me all morning, occasionally shot me some frustrated and annoyed glares. Eating was a bad idea, food only made me feel worse. My stomach wanted to reject everything I put into it. Training was hell too, my body felt the harsh side effects of exhaustion and Sensei was sure to work us extra hard today. Not to mention the tension in the room between me and my brothers was sharp, it was practically impossible to concentrate. I hated every second. I sparred a little with Donnie but he kept getting sweet hits on me, which frustrated and infuriated me even more. I was sloppy, and nothing puts ya in a bad mood like a bad practice. After training ending, Splinter called Leo in to talk with him privately, I bet you my Sai that it was about me. All and all, it's rounding out to a pretty shitty morning.

I lounge against the couch and my head is thrown back on the back rest. My fingers massage my temples, trying to release the enormous pressure headaches caused by the lack of sleep. I am half tempted to take a nap and if it wasn't for fear of those disturbing dreams, I would. How am I going to make it through the rest of the day? I don't even feel like I can make it through the next hour!

I feel Mikey indent the cushion on the couch next to me; I know it's him because the room changes to match his vibrant energy. Still, I ignore him the best I can and keep my eyes shut; I just don't want to talk right now. I don't want to goof around, I don't want to tease him or banter, I don't want to do anything but lay here. I just want to be alone.

"Hey, can I talk to you?" He asks. His tone is more serious than normal, he's starting to push. No more buttering me up.

"No." I say deadpanned.

"But I think you need to—"

"I said no." I say too quickly. I keep my eyes close but I drop my hands in my lap. I feel so sick, I think I might throw up. I don't know if it's from the exhaustion or from the bitter anger slowly burning me up. Why?

My strings aren't simply unthreading, they are being ripped apart!

"You know I'm just going to keep annoying you until you talk to me." Mikey warns. I remain silent so he begins to jabber on and on. I don't really listen, only catching on to half of what he is saying, either way I don't care right now. His voice just rubs against my headache, irritating my throbbing mind even more. It becomes a pestering sensation that I can't shake, like nails on a chalkboard.

I am going to lose it.

Okay Raph, just count to ten before doing something stupid.

One…

Two…

Ten…

"Mikey. Shut up! I don't want to talk to you! I'm serious! I said I'm fine before and I'll say it again, I'm fine, now leave me the hell alone!" I snap harsher then I intended. I never really snap at Mikey, sure he's pissed me off before and I've been angry with him but I never snap at him like this, I only speak to Leo like this. It doesn't feel right.

"You aren't fine Raph. Come on don't push me away, what's going on?" He's voice is heavy with concern; he confronts so much sweeter than Leo does. It almost makes all this worse.

I squint my eyes at him and think about actually telling him. Maybe I'll be able to get some sleep if I really tell him whats going on.

No.

How would he feel if I just awkwardly tell him I dream about his death every night? How would he feel if I told him that I was the one who caused it? I don't trust myself anymore, or my actions. Would he laugh? It is somewhat funny, the big tough brother afraid of his own strength. I am a joke. I am pathetic!

So I take it out on Mikey.

"Have you gone deaf? Leave me alone." I lean in towards my brother trying to get it through his thick skull that I am not in a mood to be messed with. He slightly shifts backwards but he isn't intimidated.

"You think this is fine?"

No, you're right Mikey. You are so right, I am not fine, I am nowhere near it but there isn't anything I can do about it. I have no control anymore, I can't control my feelings and my actions, I am so helpless. It's the most awful experience in the world but here I am, unable to do anything about my ripping strings, strings that are quickly plucking and snapping one at a time exposing the raw fire boiling anger underneath.

"Would you quit acting so smug? Stop acting like you know all about me because guess what, you know nothin! You understand? Nothing! So stop putting your nose into things that are none of your damn business!" I feel the words roll off my tongue and instantly regret them.

Where did that come from?

No! Mikey I didn't mean it. I didn't mean a single word! I want to say something, an apology, an explanation, something! But I can't, my mouth glues shut and my jaw snaps together.

I can't stop.

Mikey stares into my face, looking back and forth between my eyes. His face darkens and I know I hurt him.

"Maybe you're right, I don't know you." Is all he says. He raises his head higher with hurt glistening in his eyes, he stalks away from me. I am too in shock to go after him. Why? Why is this happening? I never speak to him like that; I don't blow up on Mikey. I blow up around him but never at him. I follow him, I should ask for forgiveness! Beg for mercy! I don't know, SOMETHING!

But I don't. I can't.

I sigh and put my head into my hands. Why? Why am I doing this? Why is this happening? I don't mean what I said; I don't mean any of it. He knows that, I hope he knows that.

"Smooth." A crisp voice calls from across the lair. I snap my head up and see Donnie standing in the doorway to his lab. There is to see anger shrouding his eyes, Donnie is usually so calm and level headed.

"He was only trying to help." His words drip in my ears. I know that, I do. I didn't mean what I said! I didn't! He knows that. They all know it. Why is this so damn hard? Why am I so damn angry? This isn't me. That wasn't me. That was fire, burning my tongue and throat, smoking my vision and my mind; I don't know what I'm saying! Please Donnie don't look at me like that, it's not my fault!

It's not me! It's not me!

IT'S NOT ME!

With a frustrated yell I chuck my Sai harshly and it flies through the air. It slams perfectly into the lab door, embedding next to Donnie. Donnie doesn't even flinch. He just stares at the weapon and then slowly drags his eyes back to me.

We both are surprised.

What scares me most is how much he trusts me. He didn't even move, he knew I wouldn't hit him. He trusts me that much yet I can't even trust myself. What's wrong with me? I could have hit him! I didn't but I could have. Was I aiming for him? Did I mean to miss? I don't know. And that scares me more than anything ever has before. It reminds me of my dream. My damn dream, I killed them. They trusted me so much they didn't think I could, but I did. I did this. What's going on with me? Why can't I control myself?

I open my mouth to say something but the desperation of words twists my tongue and nothing comes out. Donnie's shock flips between deep concern and irate fury. He doesn't say another word though, instead He spins on his heel and walks back into his lab, slamming the door shut. I stare at the shadow he left behind.

What did I just do?

I put a hand to my aching forehead and my breathing grows heavy and fast.

"Are you crazy!?" Booms an irate voice. Oh no, Leo.

I slowly turn around and there he is, the all-powerful Leonardo marching towards me. I can't handle this right now, I can't handle him. I need to get out of here, I need to get out now.

"Leave me alone Leo." I say quietly, trying hard to keep the unexplainable bitterness from my tone. He ignores my warning and gets all up in my face.

"What is wrong with you!? Have you lost your mind?" He snaps, his eyes bubble with flustering anger.

"I said Leave me alone." I grit between clenching teeth.

"Not until you tell me what's going on! Your new attitude has crossed the line and I think we all deserve an explanation! Enough of this Raph."

I stare at him, his breathing is heavy from adrenaline flowing and his face twists into a determined scowl. His words slap me in my face, have I crossed a line? Maybe I really have lost my mind. I need to leave; I have to go before I do something stupid again. I start to move past him when he roughly shoves me back.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Where do you think?" I spit out. Leo straightens up and his voice turns stern. Don't do this Leo, Please don't. Just let me go, don't fight me.

"We have strict orders to—"

"Do me a favor and shove those orders up your ass." I shove him back and walk myself out of the Lair, this time he lets me. I can feel his furious gaze punching into my shell but I don't turn around. I am too afraid if I turn around, I will do something I'll regret.

As soon as I hit the sewers, I run.

* * *

The New York skyline shines against the gritty gray of dusk, street lights shadow the base of buildings. Cars honk angrily and their even angrier drivers shout out the windows, yelling at traffic that refuses to listen to anyone. Sirens consume the streets every once in a while to override the noise of people. The nightlife emerges from all over, searching for night clubs or bars to get drunk and the dark, dirty alleys fill up with homeless and punks; they sit rotting next to trash cans.

Yup, this is home.

I love this City. Nowhere else could ever feel like home. I mean sure it's pretty rough around the edges, but so am I. There are still a lot of good people here and they are worth protecting from punks and gangs. Besides I enjoy beating up on thugs from time to time. But it's more than just that, New York is alive. It breathes and flows from day to day, millions of people weaving in and out on the sidewalks, thinking about their plans and what to fill their time with. It is a constant motion, never ending or stopping.

Except usually the New York air fills my lungs with a fresh, crispness but now it's suffocating me. I don't feel the warm peace or the excited vibes the city offers. I am still seething inside, bursting with incorrigible flames.

I don't understand what's going on with me. I'm getting more and more dangerous the more I try not to be. Maybe this pushing away isn't working. I sigh and longingly gaze at the City. My legs dangle from a building, I am not too worried about being seen, I am fairly high up. The chill bites into my skin but I don't feel it. My blood is still boiling with unexplainable fury. I don't even have a reason for being mad, I just am!

I am mad at myself; I am frustrated that I can't seem to shake this off. I mean it wasn't me back there, it really wasn't. It felt like a whole new person took over my body. It wasn't me.

I try for another deep breath but I find it unsatisfying. I put my head in my hands and massage my temples again. Now I'm going to have to go back and apologize, and there is no way in hell Splinter is gonna let this pass. He was already suspicious before, now I don't doubt he straight out knows everything. I look up once again at the sky; the sun is completely out of sight now, only leaving wisps of a purple haze behind.

I push to my feet and walk across the roof. I still feel this uncontrollable energy exploding through my system; I need to get this out. I look out and see the patterns of roofs lying out in front of me, practically begging me to run. So I do run. I jump and pounce from roof to roof, relying on my years of ninjutsu to naturally lead me. My feet patter softly when I land, hardly making any noise. I pump my arms, pushing to move faster. My heart beat increases, but not from the exercise, from the pulsing madness rooting inside me.

A piercing scream rips the air and I slide to a halt. A woman's scream. She's close. Without a second thought I move towards a near alley way. I come to a stop when I see a man holding a knife to a blonde woman, his hands grabbing for her purse. Even from here I can see her crying.

I smile; this is exactly what I need. I jump down, sliding down the fire escape. I land on the ground and walk towards the punk.

"Hey pal you picked the wrong night." I say to him.

He gasps and quickly turns. His eyes widen and his mouth drops in disbelief. All he can do is stare in fear. Eventually he starts shaking; a seemingly normal reaction when first seeing a teenage mutant ninja turtle, I assure you.

"Wh-what are you?" He stifles out. I chuckle and I don't answer him, I start walking towards him.

"Why don't you just give that purse back to the nice lady huh?" I smirk and slowly move closer. In panic he shifts his knife around to point at me and I stop.

Really? A tiny little knife? Wow this will be easy.

I take out one of my Sai's and flip it up to show him.

"Mine are bigger than yours."

I see the pure fear in his eyes. Poor guy.

No not poor guy. He was going to rob that woman, he isn't the victim here. He's asking for it, so I'll give it to him. He deserves to know what happens when he messes with innocent people.

I walk up to him and he desperately and awkwardly swings, I easily just side step. He stares at me and I stare back.

"My turn." I don't attack him, not like how a ninja would. I don't use my years of training or natural instincts. I fight like a starved animal. I tackle him and he screams out. I knock the knife out of his hand and start punching him.

This is a mistake. I shouldn't have gotten involved, not with my anger on such a loose chain. It's running free and I can't control it.

I can't stop hitting the man, even when I tell myself to my fists refuse to listen. I just continue to punch, my fire urging me on. It feels so good, but it is so wrong. I need to stop this.

But I don't, I just punch.

Over and over and over. I don't know why, I don't know what's gotten into me but I can't stop. My body is being taken over again. I don't even notice the lady running away, I just focus on his face and I let out my access rage.

His shouts die down and I realize he's unconscious but I still don't stop. The sound of my fist hitting his skin fills the alley. I can feel bones breaking and his blood covers my hands.

I need to stop. But I can't.

I am going to kill him. I am going to kill him.

I need to stop.

Someone make me stop.

This isn't me.

Help! Someone!

I let out a shout of frustration and desperation but I punch harder. Blood coats my fist and covers his cheeks and nose, bruises already forming and it's impossible to even see his face anymore.

Stop.

Stop!

This isn't me. I am not a killer. Don't do this Raph! Come on damnit don't do it.

I am going to kill him.

Help me!

Someone? Anyone?

Help.

**My, that escalated quickly...So he's going a little bat shit crazy c: **

**Review please and thanks c: A pleasure as always, until next time! **


	6. Chapter 6- Sorry?

**Hi all c: Hows it going? I am in the midst of finals and been super busy so sorry if this isn't up to par! I apologize for grammatical errors in advance. **

Drip.

I sway back and forth, pushing one dragging foot in front of the other, swishing the cold water around my toes.

Drip.

The black walls beside are disturbingly quiet, their accusing eyes stare at me as I walk by.

Drip.

I pray those drips are from the sewers and not the blood slowly slipping down my fingers. Most of it should be dried by now, right? I'm not exactly sure, the past twelve hours blur together and I can't seem to remember much of anything. They all become one in mind.

Drip.

My headache is back, scratching along the edge of my skull. My eyes droop and drag as I struggle to stay lucid.

Drip.

My legs quiver and warm chills shake my spin. My muscles don't want to keep going, they are too tired. I am too tired. I stumble side to side as my vision starts to cloud.

Drip.

Exhaustion? Is it finally taking its avenging toll?

Drip.

I gotta get home.

Drip.

I fall onto my knees and the water splashes. I lazily look forward, the hallow tunnels stretching far, too far. I reach out.

Drip.

Home.

Drip.

I slump over and let the rest of my body fall forwards; I lie against the cold and let the fatigue wash over me. My breathing is harsh and heavy but I can't hear it. I can't hear anything. Not the blood flowing through my veins or my heart beating hard against my ribs. I know they are running; I can feel them but there is no noise, no noise but one. The constant dripping fills the void of disturbing silence.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

* * *

"Master Splinter" Leo bows respectively as his father enters the room. Donnie and Mikey both straighten up with their Sensei's presence but they don't move from their spots. Donnie kneels next to Raph, checking signs for any physical ailments while Mikey stands behind Don looking over his shoulder. Splinter nods at the three before looking down at his fourth troubled son lying unconscious in his hammock.

He is in a deep sleep; one leg sticking straight and the second bending in a triangle, one arm crossing over his plastron and the other dangling off his hanging bed. His face turns towards them and his mouth is slightly open, snoring.

"Where did you find him?" Splinter asks.

"In the sewers not far from the Lair, he was passed out when we found him." Leo answers. He stands furthest away from Raphael, his eyes cold and shadowing bitter frustrations. Splinter raises his brow at the harsh emotions running through the leader.

"Nothing is really wrong with him from what I can gather." Donnie says looking over Raph for the hundredth time. Splinters eyes zoom in on the dark red crusting Raph's hands. Don notices his father's observation and holds up one of the bloody hands.

"It's not his." He informs and it grows quiet. Mikey exchanges a glance with Leo. They were all thinking the same thing,

Whose blood is it?

Don clears his throat and pushes all the thoughts away.

"I don't think he has been sleeping well. I noticed some symptoms of exhaustion during training, he was lethargic and his stamina was extremely weak. He got tired way too fast and I was able to pull some basic moves he should have been able to deflect. All the signs are there, plus with his recent outburst it most likely took out the rest of his energy. This is probably his body finally collapsing from fatigue."

"Yes. Raphael hasn't been sleeping for some time now." Sensei replies. All three of them look at their father.

"Do you think it's what caused his blow-up today?" Mikey asks hopefully, trying to pin the blame on something other than Raph's natural temper. Don shrugs and answers before Splinter,

"It's possible. Exhaustion can cause anxiety, stress, unstable emotions…"

He trails off and it gets silent again, no one really sure what to do or say. Splinter clears his throat and gains all three of the boys' attention in an instant.

"I shall speak with your brother immediately when he wakes. For now, let us leave him to recover his lost sleep." Splinter says, subtly informing them they should leave Raphael in peace for now. No one reacts at first; all three switch their gaze back to Raph. Mikey is the first to move and he bumbles out the door. Donnie gets to his feet and follows him out.

Leo continues to glare at the sleeping form, arms crossing and teeth gritting. Even with the strict anger, deep concern still plants in his eyes. Splinter observes him for a long while.

"What troubles you my son?" He asks.

Leo shifts his eyes between his father and Raph.

"I shouldn't have let him leave." His tone is biting.

Master Splinter raises his brow; so the anger is not held towards his brother but towards himself.

"From what you and your brothers have told me, he would have left either way. This is not your fault Leonardo; this is your brother's and his unresolved problems."

"But I am the leader; I should know all my team's physical and mental aliments. What kills me is that I knew he wasn't okay. He has been sluggish during practice and patrols, he has been extremely irritable, and he just hasn't been himself in weeks! I should have said something earlier; I should have done something before it got out of hand. I should have done _something_."

Leo shakes his head and desperately looks to Splinter, hoping his father would counsel his guilty feelings.

"You are right. You should have done something." Splinter acknowledges. Leo huffs and glares to the side.

"But it was not only you who failed to act Leonardo, I too did not speak up when I first suspected something was wrong with Raphael. We both failed. But let us not dwell in what we should have and should not have done, we cannot change that. Failure is not always a bad thing, it is the best of teachers." Splinter assures but Leo's eyes do not soften with his father's words. Splinter puts a gentle hand on Leo's shoulder.

"We must think of what we can do now. We must get to the bottom of this before another incident like this happens again. I shall speak to Raphael privately about this subject; I am beginning to think something deeper plagues your bother."

Leo's face twists into thought. He slowly shifts his eyes to the softly snoring Raph.

"Like what?" He wonders aloud but Splinter doesn't answer. Instead he ushers Leo out of the room. He closes the door quietly behind him, but not without giving a last glance to his passionate son.

What indeed?

* * *

I slowly open my eyes, feeling better than I have in weeks. I am so comfortable I don't want to move; nevertheless I turn my head and gaze around my room.

When did I get here? Did I make it home? I don't really remember. Was it all a dream? I glance down at my hands and still see the dried blood caking my palms. I flinch with the sight and sit up straight.

Nope. No dream this time. My stomach drops, please tell me this isn't my brother's blood.

No, it's that mans, that lousy mugger in the alley way. I take a deep breath, I don't know if I should feel comforted or terrified.

What Time is it? I glance over at the clock, about 9 p.m. Is that right? That doesn't make sense; I was out for a long time, almost morning! I get up from my hammock and make my way to the bathroom.

How did I get home?

I wash my hands; I watch the red slide off my skin and stain the sink. Red, I hate the damn color. I look up in the mirror; I don't look as exhausted as before. I finally got some much needed sleep. I dry my hands on a towel and move back to the open lair.

It's lacking brothers. They must be on patrol or something; I don't know how I feel about missing it.

"Raphael."

I jump at the sound of my name and spin quickly on my heel. Sensei. We stare at each other for what feels like an eternity. I feel him scrutinizing my tense and terrified stance. He moves into the dojo without a word, I'm supposed to follow him, so I do.

I slowly make my way. When I enter he is kneeling and I quietly and cautiously kneel across from him. He continues to stare at me the whole time.

"How long have I been sleeping?" I ask.

"Your brothers found you in the sewers unconscious; you remained so for about a day and a half." He informs me.

Passed out in the sewers? I don't remember coming home, I don't really recall much of anything, especially after I…well…

He glances down at my now clean knuckles.

"You have cleaned off the blood." He states and I nod.

"It wasn't mine."

"Then whose?'

"Sensei…I did…I did something awful."

A sense of dread passes his eyes but he doesn't look surprised.

"What did you do?"

"Well…you see…I…I was…" I take a deep breath and try to orient myself.

"I was just out clearing my head. An-an I heard a scream so I followed it to an alley. Just some low life mugger, nothing big. I confronted him but I-I don't know what came over me, I just couldn't stop hitting him. Over and over, I couldn't stop. I tried so hard but…it was like a whole other person just... I thought I was going to kill him."

"Did you?" Splinter asks.

Did I? Did I even check if he was still alive? All of it is such a damn blur, it felt so much like a dream. He was still breathing, wasn't he? He had to have been!

"I…I don't think so." More like I hope not. He wasn't exactly innocent but he was just a desperate crook. He might not be a bad guy; just doing bad things. I don't kill people like him. The room grows silent.

"Something has been distressing you for weeks now and instead of speaking them, you have let your troubles cloud your mind and judgement. Your brothers and I may be able to sense your unease but we cannot read minds."

I clear my throat and look at the ground.

"I just…I haven't been sleeping too well." I mumble. He raises his brow.

"You may have killed a defenseless man; it is not only sleep that troubles you my son."

"He wasn't defenseless." I mutter under my breath and Splinter gives a stern look. Okay maybe he wasn't much of a threat, he's right. I close my eyes and sallow hard.

"Alright fine. I have been having…dreams."

"What happens in your dreams?"

"I kill."

"Who do you kill?"

"…My brothers." I whisper. Splinter makes no comment and I slowly open my eyes. His face is tight and emotionless but his eyes are wide with concern. Something else swims in them, he's nervous; he's afraid I am a danger to my brothers. Hell, I'm afraid too.

"Father, what's wrong with me?' My voice cracks. Splinter searches my face, eyes skimming back and forth between my own. He turns his head slightly to one side, one ear inching over the other. He squints and I suddenly feel very uncomfortable under his gaze. I hate when he looks at me like this, he can always see right through me. When I was little he always knew who I was. He knows who I am now even though I no longer know myself. His eyes slowly close and he sighs deeply, almost like he's trying to calm his nerves.

"I feel I must meditate on this before we further this conversation." Is all he says in response. My hope diffuses. I thought if anyone would have any idea what's going on with me it would be Sensei. Sometimes I forget Splinter ain't perfect either, just almost perfect. Trying not to let my disappointment and rising unease show, I bow respectively and get up to leave.

As I walk out he stops me.

"Raphael, you must apologize to your brothers. Your actions today are still inexcusable. I have an uneasy feeling about these dreams of yours and I understand why you have been on edge, but you will still be held responsible for how you treated them."

Well I guess I should have seen that coming. Of course I am responsible for blowing up on my brothers, just like I am responsible for hurting that man. Gosh I hope he's alive somewhere, preferably a hospital.

"Hai Sensei."

I turn to leave again when he stops me for a second time.

"I also suggest you also speak to them about this. It will help them to understand and may even help get rid of the dreams." He advises.

Talk to them? I'll apologize but I don't know if I can tell them, not yet. I am not comfortable with that idea. Or maybe I just don't want to. It's different telling things to Sensei than it is to them, its way different. I don't know if I can talk to them about my dreams, but I guess I should try.

"Hai Sensei, I shall keep that in mind."

* * *

I slowly make my way towards the lab; I hear their ringing laughter even from across the room. The lab door props open and I can see Mikey sitting backwards in a swivel chair; his legs dangle around the backrest. Donnie is leaning causally against his desk, arms and feet crossing, a smile pinching his cheeks and eyes.

I feel a small smirk of my own appear; it's always entertaining to watch these two interact. They love each other very much and it's always so easy to see. My smile fades. Do they love me? Even when I threaten them like I did? How could they? All I do is create problems, I am too emotional. Do they really love me?

Of course they do, don't think like that. They do.

As I approach the door they both look at me. Their smiles fall off their faces and they blankly stare at me. I clear my throat and awkwardly stand in the door frame, feeling extremely uncomfortable.

"Guys I…" I start to say. How do I even apologize for this? What do I say? I search for the right words but I'm not sure what the right words are. Leo's good with words, not me.

"I just…"

Sorry for yelling? Sorry for blowing up? Sorry for being a coward? I don't know. Damn why is this hard?

Mikey's blue eyes widen and a tiny knowing grin flashes on his face. He quickly glances at Donnie.

"What?" Mikey asks innocently like he doesn't know what's going on. I sigh and close my eyes.

"I'm sorry."

They don't say anything. Yeah they're right that was kind of weak. I clear my throat again.

"I'm sorry for being an ass."

Mikey can't hide his grin anymore and it takes over his face, he's laughing at me the little snot! I glare at him and he tries to bite down on his smirk, he holds up an apologetic hand. I roll my eyes.

"I didn't mean to yanno..yell at you like that. I shouldn't have ever said those things to you, I didn't mean them." I turn to Donnie, "nor did I mean to um, er…throw my Sai at you. That was kinda stupid."

O gosh why do I suck at this?

"Is that all?" Mikey asks way too sweetly. I glare at him, he isn't helping.

"I'm not good at this stuff." I growl and rub the sides of my head.

"No, you're really not." Donnie says matter-of-factly, "but that's okay, we accept your terrible apologizes nonetheless." He grins.

I let out a breath of relief. Mikey rolls his chair closer to me.

"So, are you gonna tell us what's up?" He quirks, his eyes eager.

I open my mouth, fully prepared to tell them everything. Splinter is right, I have to tell them. The sooner the better, but no words come out.

"I can't, not yet at least." I tell them quietly.

It grows silent again until Don sighs,

"Well, we can't force you."

"Why not? Donnie you're a genius! Let's make a mind reading device." He lifts his feet up and spins the chair. Donnie throws him a yeah right kind of a look.

"Like I'd trust you with that." He snorts.

"Oh come on don't be a stick in the mud! I swear with all my heart I will never use it on you" He glances at me out of the corners of his eyes. "Only Raph."

"Hmmm" Donnie slides his eyes upwards and puts a finger to his lips, "Okay, I'll consider it." He shrugs and I shake my head. I cross my arms casually and lean against the door frame.

"Hehe, you so won't regret this!" Mikey rubs his hands together maliciously.

"You want to know how many times you've said that and how many times I have regretted it? 53 out 53." Donnie points his finger and juts his chin higher.

"You're keeping count?" Mikey's gasps in disbelief. His eyes shift to the ceiling like he is thinking.

"I thought it'd be more than that." Mike admits and I can't help but chuckle.

"You boneheads are too much." I grin. Mikey pushes off the table and his chair go flying towards Donnie. Don stops it without blinking.

"You're just jealous you aren't apart of our gang." Mikey jests.

"Your gang? Yeah I'll pass anyways thanks, I already have to be around you dorks enough." I tease. Mikey puts a hand to his chest in mock pain.

"That my hurt feelings Raphael, can you apologize again?" Mikey pouts but his eyes are laughing.

"Hey don't push it, only one apology a day, that's my quota."

"Well technically you apologized twice." Donnie points out. "One to me and one to Mikey."

"Okay then, I'll take one back." I shrug. Mikey and Don share a look and then back at me.

"Whose you taking back?" Mike asks. I flash them a wide cheeky grin and don't say anything. Instead I turn around and walk away from the lab. As I leave I hear the soft mummer of Don's voice and Mikey's loud explosive giggle, it makes me wanna go back and demand to know what Donnie said. But I don't, I have someone else I need to talk to first, someone who isn't as forgiving.

I hear some noises coming from the kitchen so I move towards it.

Now for the hard part.

* * *

I take a deep breath. Leo is searching the cabinets for food. He grabs a bag and tosses it on the counter. I step in the kitchen. His head turns and he looks over his shoulder as he hears me enter. We both freeze and stare at each other. His eyes unreadable.

"You're awake." He says.

"Yeah."

"That's good."

"Yeah."

I take two hesitant steps forward. Leo stands up straighter and faces me. I glance at the bag he threw on the counter.

"You know those are Mikey's cookies right?" I ask, attempting to lighten the mood. He continues to stare at me. Alright then no small talk.

"Do you need something?" He asks, his tone too cool and calm for comfort.

"Ah yes, your forgiveness." I mutter. He tilts his head but still says nothing. He's not making this easy for me. I take another step and put a hand on the counter next to me. I look down at the ground.

"Leo look…I'm sorry. I had to get out of here. I don't know what was happening and I was afraid I was going to do something…something stupid. I didn't mean to…I didn't mean to act the way I did."

He continues to stare at me. I fight the reflex to roll my eyes; of course he's going to be stubborn about this. It's Leo, when is he not stubborn? But what else is there to say? What does he want me to say?

"I'm sorry?" It comes out more of a question than a statement. That seems weak but it's all I have. I mean it, I truly am sorry. Sure, I fight with Leo a lot, but I always feel terrible after wards. We don't always see eye to eye but at the same time he seems to get me like no one else can. I don't want him to hold a grudge; I don't want him to be upset with me. I honestly don't.

Leo finally sighs and looks away from me. He turns and grabs one of Mikey's cookies from the bag, he tosses it to me.

"I won't tell him if you don't." He says, his eyes smiling now. He shoves his own cookie in his mouth and winks. He walks out of the kitchen.

I hold the cookie in my palm and I can't help but grin like an idiot.

**Tis all for now!**

**Review please and thank you!**


End file.
